Well, some funny things have happened to me in the past 24 hours. I just want to toss this disclaimer out there: I am the Goddess of Embarrassing Events. No, seriously, I could write a book about all the hilarious moments that comprise my life.
The difference between me and other goofballs is that I am not afraid to make my little mishaps and adventures with Shame known to the public. The way I see it, there are so many people out there who have these terrible days. Why not share something that you know is HILARIOUS in an effort to make someone feel better?
So this is what will happen after this post... One of these things:
1-- Someone is having a horrible day, and they will read this and fall out laughing so hard that they forget whatever was troubling them, if only for the moment.
2-- Someone will be grossed out and decide that I am not lady-like. Well, the best embarrassing stories are the ones that are 50% shame 50% comedy 30% inappropriate 20% icky and 100% humiliating! Ok, that's like 400% or something, but you get the idea..... in the end, someone will be offended.
3-- Someone will be snooty and leave a comment about how, if it was so embarrassing, why I made it public knowledge. My reply: Who gives a Fuck? A laugh is a Laugh, even if it is at my own personal expense.
With that rambled.....
Funny Thing #1:
Last night, while eating dinner, The Hubs and I were talking about having another baby. My Little Darling casually asks when. I casually respond with, "Whenever Daddy will give me one". Of course this leads to the question of how Daddy could give me a baby. The Hubs turns about eight shades of red and begins to mouth "No, no, no!!!" to me...because he knows that I am always under the belief that you can explain things to kids. Why not? I would rather my child learn everything from me in a loving, moral, safe environment than gallivanting the streets falling prey to whatever ridiculous insane thoughts, values, and behaviors are out there. In a nice, pleasant voice, I say "Mommy & Daddy are in love and we are married. We want to grow our little family and have another little baby that we can love so very much. That happens when Daddy puts his penis in my vagina and sometimes a baby comes from it. A baby won't come every time Mommy & Daddy make love, but sometimes there is a baby. That's how Mommy got you inside her belly, when you were a baby". The Hubs all but falls out. No color to his face for a few minutes. What brought him back around was my Little Darling's yelling, "Bwwwaaaaah! Hahahahaha! That's silly! Daddy puts his pee in Mommy's pee and we get babies? Hahahahaha!" Needless to say, my first attempt at the Birds & the Bees was a FAIL. The Hubs, on the other hand was not amused. He was mortified and declared no more sex talk with our four year old for another 10 years. I got some odd sense of satisfaction from watching him struggle to finish his dinner as our daughter grinned at him like she had just found out his precious little secret!
Funny Thing #2:
I have been in and out of town on several road trips, here and there this past 6 weeks. On this last trip I went on, I decided that I worms. I am crazy, and I won't even get into why or how I thought my intestines were ambushed by worms, but I was convinced. Since I couldn't bare looking in the toilet knowing that there could be little squiggly things having a pool party of sorts, I didn't use the bathroom. I wanted to, but I couldn't!
So, here it is, going on two weeks later and I still feel.... erm.... congested. So I found these "Women's Laxative Pills". I had no idea what exactly that meant, but I figured how bad could it be? They are for women. I am a woman. There's not some creepy name "Plyo-polypoopapill" or "Hemroiditisblowoutfungal syrup". They are pretty pink little pills. That's always promising. And the best part is they are off-brand grocery store pills, so they couldn't be too terrible on my stomach. The dose said take 1-3 pills at once. I figured I would take 2...it'd been a while, and they weren't even brand name, so I might need the extra help........
Then my stomach made this gargle noise... and it bubbled... and then it made a "blahuuuurp" sound, and next thing I know -- MY BUNGHOLE EXPLODED!!!! Without going into the gory details, I can assure you of this: It was Baaaaaddddd!
As if that wasn't enough, my allergies are on a serious He-Man level madness. It rained and that makes my high allergy to grass and trees off the chain. So I am coughing and sneezing like a crazy person, all the while trying desperately trying not to poo my pants. And to put a cherry on top of the disaster.... I had to explain why my stomach was violently growling at my Little Darling during our homeschooling this morning and why I kept holding my arse as I ran at top speed to the bathroom over and over. Needless to say, I spent the whole day inside. Not necessarily because of my bowel disturbances, but because my daughter would totally be telling everyone about it!!! Kind of the way she walked into the bank this morning as we deposited some cash and proudly announced to all the tellers, "My Daddy mix his pee with my Mommy's pee for babies!"
Before this ends.... I just wanted to share at least one image:
I am happy to announce that I have finally finished putting at 48 of these squares together for what turned out to be SUCH an awesome blanket. I need to do an edging before I make another "Oh La La TA-DAHHH" post showcasing all the colorful wonderfulness of this baby blanket. And I am so very looking forward to the little boy version of this same pattern/layout :)
Too-da-looooooo to youuuuu! And if you were having a shitty day (get it--hahahaha shitty day??) I hope reading about my little embarrassing moments helped brighten things up for a moment.