F is for Failure? Fantastic Failure!?

Well... it is almost 4am. Tonight, I must say that I am proud of myself. I just completed a small lunch break. I sort of lied about not eating tons of Brie anymore. After finishing the first container, I went and bought two more, and I just ate 3/4 of one tonight. Not good! But my stomach and taste buds would argue otherwise...

The pride I am experiencing today has little to do with food for a change. I love to eat and I love to cook, but only because I like eating so much. Tonight, at work, I was able to stave off my cravings for buttery French bread and Brie for craft work! Yesterday was such a Fail during the day. I went home, ate way too much. I love Cinnamon Crunch Bagels from Panera Bread. My real problem, besides the 480 calorie bagel addiction, is that I can't just eat plain cream cheese because it overwhelms the cinnamon flavor. I prefer the honey walnut cream cheese, but it's too sweet for me. So I have to buy two bagels and both cream cheeses. I usually only eat 1.5 bagels. Yesterday, I ate both bagels and all the cream cheese. I immediately fell into a food coma.

Afterwards, disgusted that I (a)- pigged out on a whim and (b)- slept unexpectedly when the real plan was to get ahead on some art work, I decided to leave the apartment. For some reason I completely tricked myself into thinking that leaving would justify my not making any progress. I went to Michael's, which, again, in my mind, made everything "better". Instead of looking at paper items, because this week is all about paper, I went to the beading section.... and then I overspent.

Frustrated with my lack of will power, I decided to have a Pineapple Surf + ice cream from Smoothie King and a large grab bag of Cheetos. Yum! Disgusting, yet delicious at the same time. I imagine this is what drug addicts think "Why am I doing this terrible crap to my body... but it feels so damn good". Well, same concept...Just replace "feels" with "tastes". I spent so much over my budget that my card was declined. Rather than just admitting defeat and taking my over-eating, over-spending, excuse-making ass home, I dug around my car until I scrounged up the $7.70 it cost for my smoothie. After the card decline, I sort of had no choice but to go home. Thanks to my Lunch of Champions, I passed out as soon as I walked in the door.

When I got up, I looked around... thought about some awesome ideas for jewelry, and then decided to finally cook and clean. My apartment has been upside down since my husband and I have been working so many extra shifts, which brings me to my next point. This paycheck was almost entirely spent on art supplies! $80 at Hobby Lobby the other day, $33 at Hobby Lobby a few days before that. $40 at Michaels yesterday. $55 at Preston's Art store. Let's not forget the $40 at Border's for random books and magazines. So much for the Library Revelation from last week, right? I didn't come to the realization of how much I had spent until I was on my way to work a few hours ago. This won't do! I haven't created enough items to be spending so much on supplies...

Thanks to that horrifying financial reality check, I vowed to crank out some serious work tonight. So far, so good. If I keep cutting, sanding and pasting, I will have prepared 16 books tonight! I will stitch as many as possible tomorrow night after the paste has dried. I also need to get on top of drying out my flowers... otherwise, I fear they will rot in the paper bag they've been sitting in since the other day. I actually love dead flowers, but I can't imagine what a big bag of rotting flowers could possibly smell like.

I have also figured out why my "funk" has set in so badly. It is *that* time of the month. I never want to do anything other than eat...which totally explains the empty containers of Brie cheese, 4 sticks of butter, and missing whole loaves of French bread! I want to stuff my face and then pass out everyday of the week, but that sort of mentality and activity will totally not help me make my next Friday Deadline for the art show application! So, although I am exhausted, and still starving, I am going to suck it up, make a fresh pot of some Folger's Gourmet Hazelnut Cream flavored coffee with some stolen creamer (thank you co-workers!) and get to work!

The other reason for my lack of motivation is the St. James Art Show!!! Goodness, I completely confused what I thought was "inspiration" for FEAR! I am scared shitless! The work that those artists created was so... well, amazing! It was creative; it was indie; it was perfect in my eyes. I just don't know that I can replicate that sort of perfection. I know that I need to at least attempt applying to an art show. I also know I Love Chi-town, so having a reason to go up would be awesome. From now on, no more going to craft/art shows until I have either completed enough inventory of my own to sell, trade, or show artists there or until I have been accepted to participate in an art show myself. I get way too intimidated, way too easily.

Well, back to the sweat shop it is for me. Thank goodness we have some pop tarts because I so cannot make books while serving breakfast. My hands are covered in paste with remnants of paper fibers stuck to all my fingers. I am sure it's not lethal. I eat while arting all the time. In fact, the only thing I haven't consumed are oil paints/pastels and paint thinner. Just about everything else has passed through this iron cast system of mine.

Tomorrow-- SLEEP! ... buy more book board and paper to make text blocks out of ... cook something delicious! .... and think of a logo.