Thursday, April 2, 2015

Tummy Whenever:: 39 Weeks

Whaaaaaaaaatttt!!!  I am writing this with just a couple of days to go until D-Day, but by the time I post it, I will be holding my baby girl.  I can NOT wait for that moment!  These are the times when I start going crazy.  Just two weeks ago, I was totally calm.  I was like "Oh, whatever.  Take your time.  No biggie!  I can be pregnant faw-evaaaaah."  Now, I am like "GET THIS PARASITE OUTTA MY BODY!" 
I went to my prenatal appointment, and the same thing happened again with the asking if I want to be induced.  I took the bait this time.  I know!  I am WEAK!  Well, not really.  First, I am not remotely critical of women who WANT to schedule inductions or C-sections.  Having a baby is hard and I think it's entirely up to the mother to decide what she feels comfortable with.  I chose to schedule an induction in the event that my Little Someone, uhm.... gets "stuck" and forgets that she is supposed to come out on March 24.  I gave a small grace period and then scheduled an induction for a time that works well with our getting child care arranged for our Little Darling so that The Hubs can remain in the hospital with me and our Little Someone for those first 48 hours.
Lately, I have been thinking about how I am not going to miss being pregnant.  Some women are so about that feeling and that bond with their babies.  It's like a fix for some women.  For me, being pregnant is merely a means to an end.  I cherish most my sweet baby that I get to bring home at the end of it.  I don't think I am going to miss anything about being knocked up at all...  In fact, I have a list of things that I will miss LEAST about being pregnant.
1 - Being Uncomfortable
No more sciatica.  No more cankles.  No more bladder issues.  No more giant belly.  No more achy boobs.  I can slowly, but surely return to my normal state.  I can resume being active and mobile without assistance.  I don't know how certain members of our population function with always needing help from someone.  I can't live that way and maintain a sense of contentment.  I am too independent to be waiting on someone to help me out!  I got things to do and after this journey has come to an end, I can begin to do those things I love again. Things like sleeping on my stomach and giving myself pedicures...  I know.  Life is all about priorities.
2- Unreliable Bladder
I have to pee literally every 30 minutes.  Every. Half. Hour.  This wouldn't be an issue if I wasn't out and about, preparing in these final days.  I have used some of the nastiest, scariest, stinkiest bathrooms my city has to offer.  There were even a few times, when I thought I was going to jump out of my car on the highway and pop a squat right there in the shoulder.  Speaking of urinary drama while driving, there was once when I was being followed by a cop.  I seriously thought I would get pulled over.  All I could think is that I wasn't pulling over without a fight.  I planned out my high speed chase down the roads to the bathroom and my glamorous, well-televised arrest as I get dragged out of a gas station bathroom.  Ok...  Well, maybe that sounds a little ridiculous now, but it was an awesome distraction as I carefully drove away from the cop, hoping to quickly make it to a restroom.

I have also had no choice but to go into bathrooms after other women.  Ok, seriously, women are fucking nasty!  I have seen it all, ladies and gents.  I have seen the poop left in the toilet like the woman didn't see me in line after her.  I have seen the skid marks.  I have seen the period blood left in the toilet. Cigarette remnants.  I also have developed a pet-peeve of businesses not putting the toilet paper on dispensers.  Do you know how infuriating it is to go in after someone who had some sort of rectal explosion and have to finagle some way to get toilet paper off the roll without touching it?

I am also glad I will no longer wet my panties when I laugh, get scared, sneeze, cough, or think of Michael Fassbender.
3- Boring Preggo Sex
Let's face it.  Being pregnant and actually being able to have sex this time was phenomenal!  But pregnant sex is boring and weird and sometimes a little uncomfortable.  I miss feeling sexy when I am in the mood, rather than feeling like a bloated, grumpy kitty in heat.  I can't count how many times the mood wasn't "Oh honey, I love you.  Let's make this last."  The tone was almost always "I'm so horny.  Just put it in me and let's get this party started!".  And when it's over, I rush to the bathroom to pee and carry on with my day like nothing happened.

I miss the positions I could experience sans baby bump. I tried to get a little "interesting" once....  Our Little Someone rolled in such a way that I thought The Hubs penis would be stuck in me forever.  It almost sounds enticing until I think about how a baby needs to come OUT in a few days.

4- Feeling Hideous
I am so tired of only feeling large.  Ha!  I want to feel sexy, pretty... mildly attractive.  Something!  First, I have no energy to scour shops for nice, affordable items.  Secondly, I have no motivation to dress this whale of a body.  I have always been into fashion and clothing.  I am addiction to style and beauty blogs, and I have to admit that it has become difficult to see all the cute clothes and swimwear for spring come out and not even be able to try anything on in the shops.  Even more so, I will miss shopping this season all together, as I will need to recover for a month and it will take me almost a year to get back into shape.

But this isn't just about clothes.  I want to get my hair did!  I have gotten FOUR gray hairs since being pregnant.  I need some color in my life, as the purple is now washed out and turning a reddish color.  I need my skin care system back!  I had to ditch all my products because they contained potentially hazardous ingredients.  Uhm... But they keep me young and pretty and, most importantly, Acne Free!  I want to resume my beautification routine. No more looking and feeling like a troll.  I also can't wait to do my own pedicures.  I really like going to the spa that I have found, but that's money I could spend on art supplies.  I usually keep my own feet looking pretty....  Well, that and I am really tired of the old Asian lady at the spa making a huge deal about how crusty my feet are.  I mean, seriously, bitch, I can't even SEE my feet, let alone touch them!  So, although I may not fit any of the cute spring clothing styles, I will definitely be looking gorgeous and feeling confident with new hair, smooth skin, and feet that don't look like they got ate up by a food processor.

5- Saying No To Drugs
Yep, you read that correctly.  Drugs.  I survive daily life with a nice little cocktail of medications that I cannot take while pregnant.  I love my assortment of really awesome vitamins in my supplement pack.  I feel like super woman.  I love the supplements I take that encourage better attention span so that I don't have to get addicted to ADHD medications.  I love-LOVE my allergy meds.  I have the WORST allergies.  I am allergic to everything.  Since I have been pregnant, I have had skin issues, breathing issues, nose bleeds, and more.  When I go into labor, I will be requesting that I get a liquid injection of all the steroid and anti-histamines I have missed for nine months.

Let's talk about this "take Tylenol for everything" bullshit. It is in my mind!  I know for a fact, that Tylenol does nothing for most of my ailments, but while pregnant it's like a magical cure-all.  Hemorrhoids?  Take a Tylenol.  Sinus infection?  Take a Tylenol.  Ingrown toenail?  Take a Tylenol...  But the crazy thing is IT WORKS!  Every time I take one for an ailment, no matter what the issue, the damn Tylenol works.  Now to see if these are all in my head and as soon as I have this baby whether all my issues will return full throttle.

6- Grocery Shopping
Not only do I not have the energy to go shopping, but I don't have the physical capability to bend over on the isles and pick up whatever items I need.  I don't have the strength to push the cart around and then to haul all the bags into my trunk. Unfortunately, that means I have to trust The Hubs to get the groceries.  Worst. Idea. Ever.

First, The Hubs only eats one meal at home, dinner.  So he doesn't understand that our Little Darling and I need things for breakfast and lunch. He also hates grocery shopping for large quantities of food.  His "plan" is to go shopping every other day for the things we need.... Only he HATES grocery shopping, so his plan of going more frequently is asinine.  He never goes back to the store and I am left home with One Day's worth of food for that night's dinner.  His response:  Eat a carrot or something, babe.  Mind you, I am pregnant and The Hubs is a very educated man.  Yet, things like this happen.  He is always on a mission to substitute the things I normally buy.  I buy organic, cage-free, vegetarian fed eggs... he buys low-quality store brand eggs that were raised inside of cows after being fed tadpoles.  I need to be in charge of getting food and nourishment in this home!
Honestly, the absolute BEST thing about not being pregnant anymore is that I will finally get to meet my Little Someone, my precious baby girl.  I am praying this baby girl comes on out on her due date.  I am praying for a safe delivery..... would it be too much to ask for an easy delivery, the installment of a cute, new and improved vagina, and a speedy recovery?  Am I pushing it?  Ha!  Well, how about this?

Just come one out, sweet baby girl.  You are loved and welcomed by so many already and we haven't even gotten to see your precious face!

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