Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Tummy Whenever :: 40 Weeks & Reflection

Right now, my hair is a mess.  I am sweating from cleaning and packing and making phone calls to get everything arranged.  I am going to be induced in just a manner of hours, and all I can do is think about capturing this moment.  I have been hustling around my apartment, finishing things up, and every time I pass my reflection, I find myself feeling a whirlwind of emotions.  Now that I am finally ready to do something with my hair and shower to leave, I feel compelled to just sit and reflect for... what honestly may only be about five small minutes.

I am in shock and incredibly humbled that I got to have this experience.  I never thought I would be pregnant again, and now that this has come to an end for us, we have decided we don't want anymore children.  I just want to remember my body like this.  I want to remember feeling soft and curvy.  Not fat, pudgy or insecure about my feminity. I want to remember the feelings of a sweet baby kicking me without  mercy all throughout the hours of the night.  I want to remember how capable and strong my body really is!  Many women find their strength and confidence in shrinking themselves, focused on becoming as thin as possible.  Some women find their beauty in becoming hard and muscular, focused on training themselves to eliminate curves and fat.  I find it so wonderful that, even though I have had my seasons in both of the aforementioned categories, I find my Truest Confidence and Security in watching my body grow and expand in order to carry my daughter.
I want to remember all the belly rubs, well wishes, and advice from other mothers.  I usually just write most people off, but during this time, I needed compassion and friends and Help!  I am so grateful that I was able to not only get advice and consolation from wonderful friends when I needed it, but I was able to be in a place where I was accepting of the advice given.  In a time where everyone expects you to Google everything and figure it out all on your own, it felt magnificent to have a small community of mothers and women sharing their experiences, ideas, advice, and positive energy in one spot.  As a former tomboy who never truly expected to settle down and have children (although the idea of this life was always appealing), I learned so much about being a woman when I was pregnant with my Little Darling.  I could have never dreamed that I would learn and grow so much more with a second pregnancy!
A large part of me is unexpectedly saddened that this is all coming to an end.  The nine months was so quickly finished that I feel like I didn't get a chance to really make peace with the fact that The Hubs and I don't want anymore children.  I think I expected more time to let that reality set in, but I don't have that time anymore.  I just have these few minutes. 

I don't regret a single thing.  Not one moment of excitement, humor, frustration and not one single joke, complaint, or outburst. This has been the greatest surprise journey I could have ever been blessed to experience!  I so happy to have been able to share it.  For now, however, it is time for me to shower up and get my self to the hospital.  It's finally time to see my Little Someone!