Sunday, September 23, 2012

The Truth Is....

The truth is...  I am very fearful.  I am always worried that I won't get to do things the way I want and the world will somehow know what my original intention is.  The world will know that I didn't meet my own standards and that I failed. 

The truth is...  I am always full of excuses.  No matter how you see it, if there is a reason why I didn't get around to something, I am well aware of this reason and I don't mind putting it on display.  And what they say about excuses is so Real:  They're like assholes, everybody's got one.

The truth is...  I don't really know what I am doing!  I don't know exactly what I want, and I am not sure how to get from point A to point B.  All I know is that if I am going to get away from this space I mentally inhabit, it's going to take some guts.  But that's all I've got.  I guess I need to #GOOGLE some answers!

The truth is...  I want to have it all.  Everything and then some.  I feel like I deserve a life that I never gave myself a chance to live.  But that doesn't mean I want to let go of what I have right now either.  I want all of it:  The good, bad, stinky, smelly, beautiful, colorful, dreadful, wonderful ALL.  Whatever life has to offer, as it pertains to me, I want to have it!

The truth is...  I hate to make decisions.  I don't enjoy committing to anything (at all--Ever.) and so I hate to make decisions about anything in the first place.  I feel like making a choice is like allowing a shackle to be placed around one ankle and then I have no choice but to follow through with that choice.  If I don't- Well, refer to the first sentence.

The TRUTH is... I am a wonderful person.  I deserve good things.  I am genuinely convinced that people in general, although I struggle with trust, are inherently good.  I feel that we all have a light within us that is sometimes dimmed by circumstances and situations, but I don't think this light can ever truly be burnt out.  It is that reason that I so often bask in the sheer delight of altruism.  I love to do good things for people without compensation or recognition.  Because I am good.  I see my light and I want to make you feel your light within you.

The TRUTH is... I take challenges.  Not every challenge is interesting enough to maintain my attention, but hey, I am willing to try it on for size!  I am not afraid of many things in the world- just world war, sexually transmitted disease, mold, and falling.

The TRUTH is... I am an amazing artist.  I never say this out loud because, again, refer to the first segment.  But I am!  I have great ideas.  I work hard to hone my skills.  I love to do research.  I am great at what I do, but the world is so quick to tear someone down if it seems they are too confident and content.  So I hide.

The TRUTH is...  I am great at time management.  I seem as though I am always late, cluttered and disoriented, but I am really great with planning, organizing and sticking to a routine.  The problem came when I got a crash course on sharing my life schedule with a husband and child.  Suddenly it became an expanded version with lots of personalities and time conflicts.  I learned that I have to give in at times, sacrifice at times.  I guess I got carried away with the "self-sacrifice" bit of it all, and I forgot that I have something profound to contribute:  A Daily Master Plan!

The TRUTH is... I am all or nothing!  I can either be 100% committed and pour my heart into the things that matter most to me, or I will drop it like a bad habit and keep pushing forward.  I am a creature of routine, and when I establish one, it takes everything short of electro-shock therapy to steer me from whatever path along which I've wandered.

The TRUTH is... I can fucking do this!  I needed to air my fears, thoughts, and feelings just to see them come to life, but I know I can do it!  I know I can finally work on the goals that I have set aside for the past 5 years. I know I can juggle everything.  I know that I can PRAY every single day for the strength to ward off false sentiments about my weaknesses.  I know that I am smart, funny, resourceful and talented enough to make everything work within my life and manage to fall asleep every night feeling good about the choices that I made to finally start living just a small portion of my life for ME.

Stay tuned.....  I am back.



  1. I love how well you know yourself and how sure you are of your path. Happy to see you will get some Bri-time. I think that's important for all of us--feeling like we are the daughter, the wife or the mother people see us as, but also the person we know we are on the inside. :-)