Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Searching for Signs of Spring

Wow!  It has been quite a few weeks since I have made a post.  It's not that I haven't been working on projects.  I have.  It's not that I haven't wanted to post.  I have.  I haven't exactly been lazy.  Or have I?  Maybe it's all of this and none of it at the same time, you know?

Last Monday, I did my usual:  Breakfast with Blog Reading.  And it seemed like all I read was blog after blog of all these women who were somehow unsatisfied.  These talented, creative, intelligent, beautiful women were unapologetically opening their hearts and blogging about some sort of dissatisfaction or longing they were currently experiencing.  I thought to myself:  Here's your shot!  Get on the bandwagon and do the same thing, girl!  Own your feelings! ... Well, clearly that shit didn't happen!  I am never comfortable with communicating my feelings.  I typically just come across as bored, annoyed, or angry.  Sometimes it's an eclectic and frightening mix of all three.  Before I know it, I am apologizing, arguing, and defending myself.  You know, since my feelings aren't valid, and all.

Where is all this coming from?  Well, a couple things have happened...

One, I had my 31st birthday.  No, I don't think 31 is old.  No, I don't feel old.  It's not one of those things.  I just had this long list of things to accomplish by the time I was 30.  Clearly, NONE of those things have happened...  And I knew that from the beginning of the year.  And I was OK with it, up until about three weeks before my birthday.  Then, I fell into a fit of depression.  I stopped doing anything and everything, except for the absolute bare minimum.  My birthday was two weeks ago, and I am just now coming back into my normal state of mind.

Believe it or not, my barely-there dad really pulled me out of my funk last week, when he took me birthday shopping.  My dad has never taken me birthday shopping.  Ever. For years, he actually would always (pretend to) forget my birthday.  It never bothered me, and if he hadn't made an effort for this year, it wouldn't have bothered me either.  He insisted, however.

While we were out shopping, my dad was his usual completely crazy self, cracking jokes, having small breaks from reality, and passing on random bits of wisdom about the craziest shit that only MY DAD would say.... hermaphrodites... leggings aren't pants... how he, at 51, would make the best damn security guard and JC Penny (which was robbed as we pulled into the mall-- we witnessed the action) would not have been a victim of thievery... how he has special skills to detect when someone is an innocent, old man, and when they are a perp...  and my personal favorite:  how single moms dig his work uniform and find him sexy. Yes, "That's just gross, Daddy" was my response to that last one! Ha!

Anyway, I just needed to feel important and noticed for ONE SMALL MOMENT!  I am not saying that I am ignored and treated badly, but it makes such a big difference when someone insists on spoiling you. When they take time out of their day to do something sweet for you and it's all about you, only.  I kind of felt like a kid again.  With no thoughts and no worries. It reminds me of this time, when I was 5 or 6 in Berlin, Germany.  I had ridden my bike all over the military base all day long because that was the first day I learned to ride without my training wheels. Well, I was happy and proud of myself, but my muscles were so tired.  For some reason, my mom wasn't around, and I was really upset about the pain.  My dad carried me and my bike home and then took me out for ice cream, just so I would "feel better".  Such a small gesture.  So many years ago.  And thinking of it still warms my heart.

So now that I feel a "revived" so to speak, I have some plans for things I just want to get done...  No timeline!  But I am very eager to get to work, however.

I also learned something today, while walking through my neighborhood with my Little Darling:  You have to search for happiness.  When you find yourself in a rut or a dark spot, you have to seek out the light.  I have been really bummed out about this never-ending pattern of freezing cold winter storms we seem to be unable to escape. Yesterday was nice, but my brain and body didn't comprehend the change in weather, and I stayed indoors all day. But today, I went out on a mission to find spring and a little inspiration while I was out. 

This is what I found :-)

A nest, surrounded by budding branches.

Spring has finally found my city!

My Little Darling insisted that I take a picture of the buds she found, insisting they'd grow into berries.

Finally!  Some green on these branches!

These impossibly beautiful flowers that seemed to have popped up overnight!

I found everything I needed today.  All the happiness the world could possibly offer.
 And she's right here :-)

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