Wednesday, October 19, 2011

What Happened?

That is what I have been asking myself non-stop here lately!  I secretly know the answer to that question, but I guess I hate to admit it......

Happens all the time.  I think I am super woman with multiple clones.  I over-commit to so many things and the result is inevitably the same:  I end up doing Nothing because I am too overwhelmed. 

3-4 weeks ago, everything went wonky.  I said I would try to work full time hours, which has been a kryptonite to my marriage.  I hate feeling selfish about things (and this is a daily battle for me) but I keep asking these question: "Why the hell do I have to give everything up in order to maintain order in the home?  What about my goals, my plans, my education, my career, my body?  What about ME?"  I really need to just sit and prioritize, remembering that when I have achieved all those goals it will have been for nothing.  My marriage will have completed deteriorated.  I will have a child who is a stranger to me because she was brought up in daycares and after school programs.  I will have a house, but no home...  Even though it seems insane, and even thought I have the answer, I still feel selfish so often and I want it all!  Why can't I do me...and then come home to a family that was sustained by my clone or something?

These days, I am forced to admit a sad truth:  As much as I feel called to social services, working where I do is really fucking hard!  I have bruises, fatigue, and I have trouble "calming down" when I get home so that I can rest.  It's gotten nearly out of control.  I feel like we are right there on the edge of reason + possibilities...and ultimate doom + disaster.  I don't want to walk that tight-rope anymore.  I have bad balance!

I also had to stop crocheting so much.  My wrist was (is) killing me.  I hate that, but I am right-handed, so if my wrist is useless, I will have bigger issues than my lack of yarn time... I won't be able to wipe my own ---- Well, you know!  I have a brace and that helps.  I also need to stay off the computer so much, which as you have noticed, means less posts.  Holding my wrist in this funky manner to edit pictures and whatnot just kills my wrist!

I also joined a Bible Study.  It's a BLESSING!!!!!  Can't say that enough :)  I needed empowering, supportive, REAL women in my life.  But it's also time consuming.  The study is all morning and then I ususally can't wait to go spend time with my friend for a few hours afterward.  It's an all day event.

So what have we here?  We have a damaged wrist.  Lack of projects to display.  Less time to get the same amount of things done in the day around the house.  Working DOUBLE the hours I was working.  An increasingly stressful and dangerous work environment.  A husband, who, out of nothing but love and innate obligation to protect me, who hates that I have invested so much time outside of the home.  And finally, my moment of clarity and connection with God, which is also time consuming.

THAT is what happened....... 

I do have some things to show, but I will start with that tomorrow.  I have been reading a lot about how people prepare their posts in advance when they have the time.  I am about to jump on that bandwagon!!!  I've got my photos done, and I will be back later tonight to edit them and start my chronicles.

Wish me luck! 

See you very very soon :)


  1. I'm in there with you. I just got back to work to find out a lot of things changed here. And in spite of the doctors telling me to take things easy I have to work a full time job. I have to. Plus having to learn how to program on my own and will be giving some training sessions for my colleagues in November, preparing training materials etc.
    And I will not give up my crafts, because that's what's kept me sane these past few months and it will continue to do so. Even if I have no time to do much else, that has to stay.
    I wish I had an answer for you... even if I don't blog as often as I would like I will pop in everytime I can to check up on my friends!
    ...Good luck :)

  2. I hear you, I don't know why we can't have it all but I really think we can't. I love my work, but I only do it part time as everything falls apart at home if I do more. I love my family and my home so I have to prioritize and family wins every time. Deep breaths are very much needed at this time. Life is crazy, don't ever forget your self or your family, jobs come and go...but you have one shot at being the best you, you can be.

  3. Just take it easy girl! :) There is plenty of time for you to evolve and do the things you like, without compromising things and those around you :)
    Just hang in there and try to stay sane - we'll be here trying to help you with everything else. And you can always turn to God; he is definitely always there for you! :)

  4. I hope everything calms down for you and that your wrist will be better soon. :)