The Challenge

I am proud to announce that my Christmas list for my pen pals is completely finished. Wanna know what it is? Well, I obviously can't discole EVERYTHING. What if one of them were to check into my blog spontaneously and find out what I have in store for them. Well, that would ruin everything... including my motivation. Right now, the element of suprise is one hell of a motivator! I love giving gifts... and I have FOUR days off from work, and FIVE nights off. This presents itself as an amazing opportunity for me to set up a challenge. I personally think I can I finish all gifts for all 6 of my pen pals before the end of the weekend. Did you just say, "Bullshit!" and call my bluff? Well thanks for that! Because I am serious. I just know I can do it.



The Challenge...



By Sunday night, technically your Monday, at 8am, when I am finished with work, I will have the following completed:

• 3 hat & scarf sets


• 3 decorated canvas totes


• 3 stationery sets


• 5 books/journals/photo albums (not each, but they are all just books really!)


• 2 make up bags


• 1 charcoal drawing

Yesss.... It can be DONE! And this will be the funnest challenge I have completed in a Long time... Imagine: **Extreme giddy excitement**

Go ahead and doubt me if you like, but I've already won both the race and all the bets!

The Key to Wasting Time Gracefully

Some time earlier this week or late last week, my husband and I began a series of arguments. I hate to argue. What are they ever about anyway? You know the saying: "It's never just about the dishes"... At any rate, I handled the added stress in the only way I know how besides self medication and truancy from work: Art & Food. Mainly food. I mean, who doesn't love to eat? I really only like to cook because I love the taste of the food after I am done with the labor.

As you may remember I have been going on and on and on about this whole Boeuf Bourguignon recipe since forever. Well, it hasn't happened. I am totally intimidated by the recipe! I did, however, manage to get a book from Border's on sale full of some of Julia Child's most famous recipes. The funny thing is I am too sheepish to even attempt most of them. The even funnier thing is that I spend hours per day studying the same recipes of interest over and over as though I will be tested on them. In fact, at this point I can probably recite at least 6 recipes from complete memory, but I haven't mustered up the guts to take all that knowledge to the kitchen where it belongs!

Instead, I was able to experiment with some far simpler recipes. First, I tried to make asparagus taste... well, like something other than asparagus. I like the overall flavor of it, but it is a very strong flavor. To my knowledge, there isn't any way to change the way this particular vegetable tastes... At any rate, I liked the end result. I cooked/baked it in butter (I am such a butter-holic! Always have been!) and some garlic spices. It was good, but it still totally tasted like asparagus! Forgive me for the picture. For some reason, Blogger has chosen to warp and load all of my photos vertically despite however they were edited and saved on my laptop.

Of course, Julia Child has some awesome recipes for asparagus and sauces to eat with veggies. I have to try them! I never thought to use lemon juice on asparagus! But the citric acid is so strong, it just might work! But then, I have to think... if it doesn't taste like asparagus anymore, what in the world should I expect?!

Shortly there after, my husband comes up with the glorious idea that he is craving home made chicken noodle soup! A little secret I kept from him was that I have been dreaming of trying to make that soup for at least 6 months. You would think that it is some sort of insanely complicated feat. It's really not! But of course in true "Bri Fashion" I had to research about 60 recipes all over the internet and in random library cook books until I came up with something I thought I could manage with the ingredients I had on hand. Again, in true "Bri Fashion", while researching the chicken soup, I got distracted and decided I wanted to make some dumpling soup too. I have no clue what exactly a dumpling is to this day! Nor do I have a clue as to how people make their own noodles! But I can say this with perfect intelligence: Go to the damn grocery store and get the shit in a box/bag/jar. And that is what I did!



I was worried about both of these store bought products. As you can see, the noodles called themselves "dumplings", but they didn't resemble the gnocchi at all...which, did appear to be what I know as dumplings. I was afraid the boxed, dried gnocchi was going to be rock hard in the soup, especially because the box said to boil them for just 5-8 minutes. And I was sure the egg "dumplings" were going to dissolve completely into muck!


Just my luck... neither of those things happened!



My second dilemma was that I had no intention on buying and boiling an entire chicken to get stock. I planned on making two totally different soups! I wasn't about to fool with boiling, chopping, and all that! So I used some boneless, skinless breasts that I baked in spices and well... yup, you guessed it... BUTTER! I love me some butter. It makes everything tastes better, different, richer. Well, everything but asparagus, that is!

Again, with the photo uploader. Sometimes, I really do think that everyone and everything is out to get me...including the Blogger people! Ha!





In the end, the egg "dumplings" didn't dissolve. Thank goodness. I would have hated to explain that I ruined my husband's dream lunch by turning it into baby food. It was almost like it came from a can... meaning it wasn't some strange and unfamiliar flavor, but it was Better. And just so you know, these are not my words. My Husband said so!

The creamy chicken & dumpling soup was all right. It actually needed to sit before being eaten. I was shocked about that because I had anticipated something more exciting to come of that soup. I am not sure what the package creators had in mind, but letting the gnocchi simmer for 15-20 minutes was a Much better idea because then they take up the flavor of the soup rather than just tasting like flavorless, industrial potato balls, which is what they resembled after 5 minutes of being boiled.

In the same day, I decided that I wanted to make the Panera Bread mac & cheese. I didn't plan on shelling out a million dollars and consuming ONE THOUSAND calories (no, seriously! The large portion is a whopping 980 cal!) But, aside from butter, I am in love with cheese. The pictures looked to appetizing, so I figured I would do some research and give it a try.

Well, I don't want to knock the recipe that I found. I also won't post a link to it. All I can say, briefly, is that there is a reason I hate baked mac & cheese. It tastes powdery and not creamy. But the recipe did have an interesting point to it. There was this method of mixing and stirring butter, flour, and cheese until it turned into a complete cream sauce. That was delicious until I went and baked everything. So, I will return to that microwave method again...very soon! Who doesn't love mac & cheese. It's like an all-American staple! Or at least that's what I tell myself.

The sad thing about all this is that, despite my joy of cooking, no pun intended, and my complete delight in satiety, I have decided that I better get on a diet. If I eat another FOUR sticks of butter in one day, I might have a heart attack... or wake up with an additional 47 pounds that found its way to my body over night.

Tomorrow, I am going to focus more on art than eating. In fact, I have come up with another idea to distract myself from the fact that I am unable to focus long enough to complete my goals of opening an online shop to sell my crafts. I have absolutely nothing on my walls. I think that I will find some art online and create a pastiche from some famous artist. Since I really enjoy black and white charcoal drawings, that is the medium I have chosen in order to complete my project.

I found some amazing pictures from one of my favorite artists, Robert Longo:

Untitled (Ulysses) from the Yingxiong (Heroes) 2009 Exhibition

This amazing pilot mask is a charcoal on mounted paper drawing, not a photo! I think it's sheer genius. Just like this next one:

Russian Bomb (Them)/Semipalatinsk from the Sickness of Reason 2003 exhibition

Well, let me reassure you that I have no real talent of this expertise. Having viewed all of his collections- charcoal drawings, 3-D exhibitions, and photos- I just want to admit that am not a photographer to this capacity, first of all, and I am not sure that my attention span would allow me the opportunity to create detailed drawings of this magnitude. This, however, is an example of the sort of awe that I want to evoke.... in the very few and typically random house guests I happen to have.

Instead, I have chosen to do large charcoal drawings of dancers. I found these amazing photos by Lois Greenfield. As mentioned before, I love dynamic photos, and what could be more dynamic than someone dancing. Although, not all of her work is in black & white, I will print the photos in b&w and then draw from the copies. She has literally hundreds of photos to choose from, so you can imagine my head spinning as I try to choose which ones would be the best for my living room.

Here are a few of my favorites:

New York City Ballet Co.

Phildanco

Maureen Fleming

Carmen De Levallade

Maureen Fleming

Most of these seem to be of the ballet influence. I am not sure which genre of dance I will stick with. I know it is not my style to have one cohesive collection of items, rather than some melting pot of seemingly nonsensical insanity. I would really hate for the meaning only to lie within my own heart and mind. I want, when someone comes through my front door, for the first thing they see are these ginormous amazing works of art. I want breaths to be taken away. I want people to feel a sense of awe, excitement, and joy. And if it is a woman who walks through and sees ballerinas (if that is what I go with...), then I want for her to go back to a time when she was a little girl and the most important thing to her was her holiday dress and she would spend hours and hours pretending to be a world renowned ballerina. That is what I genuinely believe all little girls think of at some point- the beauty, discipline, grace, flow, and respect that a ballerina exudes. Unfortunately, I am not all that feminine anymore, so it would be uncharacteristic of me to have huge drawings of ballerinas all over, but I am not really designing and creating for myself... I am doing it for what I believe all artists work for- to inspire onlookers, to set a point of view, to chnage opinions, to push boundaries... to evoke emotions that have been unknown, forgotten or repressed.

So as soon as I collect the funds to get the paper to draw on, preferably a 38X50 inch piece of Stonehenge, I will whip out my never before used easel and get straight to work.... Oh, yes, I am forgetting something. I have to do one of my absolute least favorite tasks: Make a Decision! I better get that part together, otherwise, I will never buy the paper. And with no paper... well, we all know where that will have me ending up- Right where I am now... Nowhere! And we can't have that.

Tomorrow, I will show off some of my little hooking journeys that I have made in the last two weeks. It's winter time, and I am all about creating cute little ways to keep warm! If I am diligent, which is almost never, but a girl can dream right... I will give a little sneaky peak into some Christmas presents. If I am patient and diligent, I will also do a GIVEAWAY this week-- woo hoo! I am excited to do my first give away *Big Goofy Smiles* So all you praying folk out there who enjoy hand made crafts... get them prayer shawls on and say a little prayer for me to have Focus, Determination, and good Craft-womanship this week!

B is for Blasted Blogspot!

I have spent the past FOUR days, which is extremely dedicated for someone like me trying to make this damn thing load all my photos right. I have a totally great (or at least I think so!) blog made out, but all of my photos will only load vertically rather than horizontially how they were saved.

Rather than trying to kill my laptop or searching for those responsible for ruining my blogging experience, I am going to get some sleep!

STUPID BLOGSPOT!!! I gots my eyes on you!

Is today Yesterday or is it Tomorrow?

Well, did I manage to stave off all distractions and meet my goal? Hell to the NO...but are we really surprised by this? I hope you said "No" to that question because that would be the correct answer. Much to my defense, I did have a lot of work to do, and I didn't even get around to starting one scarf until it was 3-4 in the morning. By then, I had to share art time with coffee time. I tried this new creamer, Italian Cream. I can't remember the brand, but I know I am not sure whether I like it or not. I think it just tastes like sugar with no identifiable flavor to it. But the lack of flavor has me adding sugar to my coffee in addition to the creamer, which I decided some time back was a bad thing. No worries, I have some vanilla creamer I will return to when I get to work tonight.

Yesterday was a spin! My new thing is to get some sort of a sleep pattern. When I first started working night shifts, I just didn't sleep at all. I was working from midnight until 8am, going home to change and then either going to my practicum or to classes from 9-4 and then going to my second job out of town from 5-8 and then coming home for a power nap and hopefully a shower. But then I got laid off and I dropped out of grad school, which also took care of the 20 hours per week at a practicum site. So my sleep habit became crazy because this is literally the first time in my life where I am not doing 100 things at the same time (2-3 jobs, school, relationship, travel, etc). So I would come home, eat, and sleep from 10am-noon. Then I would get up, still exhausted, and hang out with my kid/husband, clean, shop, cook, and Facebook until 8pm. I have sleep issues, so it turned out I was getting 2 naps a day totalling 3-4 hours per day. After a long argum--- erm... discussion with my husband about my sleep issues, lately I have tried something new. Just f-ing sleep!!!! I come home and sleep until I can't, which is usually about 3-4pm. Then I shop, cook, clean, etc with energy and gusto, hence all the new recipes and the new-found joy in grocery shopping.




I also have more energy to work on art projects at home ... like these books I have prepared.

I just need to bind them. These are the covers...

I would have had them bound by now if I were still planning to make that October 15th deadline, but now, I'm just taking it easy. Don't fret. These suckers will be bound and ready to roll before Halloween!

Yesterday, I came home and did some drawing. I really want to design stationery, but when I look at what others have done online, it leaves me scratching my head. How in the hell did they do it? How are they making these amazing graphic designs on the papers & envelopes? In fact, I have been pondering these same thoughts for about.... what month is this? October? That makes 2 years and going on 11 months! I guess that gives a whole new meaning to "over thinking things", huh? I have this terrible tendency to over think and over process until I have overwhelmed and over confused myself. Then, defeated by my own insanity, I throw up my hands and surrender. Well, that's usually what happens when I think of designing stationery, but then something magical happened Tuesday morning...

Background info: I have been writing snail mail letters (another thing inspired by the movie Julie & Julia) since March, shortly before my 27th birthday. I get bored looking at undecorated paper. I have no motivation to write on it. It started out with stealing some stickers from work that had been sitting around for ages. Totally ugly, but it worked. Then, I got more elaborate, decorating papers myself or using a combo of hand-decor, stencils, stickers, and gems.

Now, I just do whatever, but no one should complain about a boring, undecorated letter! Once, I drew pages and pages of amazing animals, fruits, plants, flowers, birds... it was tremendous and so much fun, I smile just thinking of those drawings... if I can say so myself without seeming conceited. But I was impressed that I took the time, had the focus, and finished so many drawings. I haven't drawn like that for the hell of it since I was in 5th grade! In fact, the last thing I remember drawing for shits and giggles was my 5th grade teacher as a witch because she made me angry! Ha!

Tuesday morning, I drew some cute designs for letters going out to two pen pals and then the magic hit.... Why the hell don't I just draw designs, nature, things that interest me and scan them into my computer?! Then I can alter the drawings, cut, and paste them onto paper, gridded paper, lined paper, and even paper that I plan to use to cover books. What a Revelation!

Have I already done this? Seriously? What do you think? Of course not!!! After making my genius discovery, I went to sleep for 6 hours, and woke up completely having forgotten what I planned to do for the day. In fact, I just discovered that my printer no longer functions because my desktop computer is slow, decrepit and has a tech-life threatening virus.

Instead of being artistically productive, I sat on Facebook and Interpals for about an hour. Then, I stared out my balcony window for another hour before deciding I wanted to attempt cooking Boeuf Bourguignon. Unfortunately, I looked at the recipe and was completely intimidated by the amount of work I would have to do. I was very lazy, needless to say. I almost did something terrible and went to ... be afraid.... get ready to scream... McDONALDS!!!! NO!!!! I haven't eaten McDonalds in over a year. I had to stop the violence against my digestive system.

I didn't cave in an commit that food-crime against my family. I decided to use this marinade and bake some chicken. Much to my dismay, the marinade smelled ferocious! It was so offensive! The stench was a mix between rotten garlic, vinegar, something odd and bitter, and baby food. Just terrible! Sadly, I didn't know this until I put it all over the meat. I only went to smell the bottle of marinade after the fact to see what sides would taste good with the sauce. In a panic, I chopped some fresh onion, garlic, and red peppers and sauteed them in some olive oil. Then I threw in some sage, fresh ground pepper corns, sea salt, cayenne pepper, and red crushed peppers. My thoughts: if it's spicy as hell, no one will taste or smell the god-awful marinade! Then, I spooned out the meat, tossed the evidence of the bad food choice in the garbage underneath other trash and fried the meat. Let me tell you... Best Mistake Ever! That meat was on FIRE! It was so good. I cooked it with some cheesy orzo and some raw vegetables & dip. My husband and daughter would never eat veggies if it weren't for me, but I was so concerned about covering the original taste of the meat, I only had time to chop some veggies up. But it was a hit! For the first time, I didn't have to use my powers of persuasion and threats to get them both to finish their vegetables. Raw veggies will definitely be making a reappearance in meals to come!

After dinner, I cleaned and got my daughter ready for bed. I worked a little on the scarf I started... but then exhaustion set in. Without knowing it, I sleep-walked my way to bed and passed out for the night.

Today, I have been obsessing over this meal I dreamed about. Unfortunately, I couldn't find everything I needed to make the dish, so it will have to wait for some other day. I wanted to make Lentil soup, vegetable samosas with tamarind sauce (which is the missing link) and a cranberry walnut vinaigrette salad. Since I have never made them before, I think I will still make the samosas. There is an amazing Indian restaurant near by that opens for dinner around 5. I will have my darling husband go hassle the owners for a semi-free container of sauce.

Tonight, at work, I will finish the one scarf I started..at least! I hope to finish all 3 scarves and hats I planned. I am not betting on it. I have a busy shift on Wednesdays.

But stay tuned to hear about the slave work in the kitchen I pull off in order to tackle the Julia Child's Boeuf Bourguignon recipe and the samosas... recipe in my mind!

C is for Challenge! Change! Correction!

It is rather early in my shift now at work. I came into some paperwork chaos. Apparently around bedtime there was an incident. A kid was punished for stealing the therapist's cell phone. The punishment: no home visits until next year and on restrictions until the phone comes up. Still no sign of phone.

I have been doing some thinking about what it is I want out of life. I want to CHANGE. I want to be more positive, take more chances, and be more fulfilled on a daily basis, regardless of my circumstances. I am not about to go out and get religion. Screw that! But I do need to begin making more of a spiritual connection. For that reason, I am watching Avatar tonight, rather than my usual ensemble of midless action flicks. I also think I need to step up to the plate and challenge myself more.

I need to start to set small, achievable goals on a regular basis. It feels so good to know that I have what it takes to get something DONE! Unfortunately, I wasn't born with whatever female gene that makes women obsess about things like their weight, body, men, and all that. If I cared more about my body (and more on that some other night!) I would be making more efforts to shape it up. And men?! Ha! I have never been obsessed over men. Either they like me or they aren't into me. Either way, I am sadly more often than not actually not all that into the men before they can decide whether they like me! My self esteem, unlike my fellow females out there, is completely and solely linked to my ability to accomplish goals! I feel stronger, smarter, faster, and better than my counterparts and colleagues based on my sheer ability to go up against the odds and achieve outlandish goals.

Now, I am a different woman. I weigh more. I am older. I am more married and more of a mother than ever, meaning that any time I try to do anything other than be a married mom, I am shit out of luck. So taking that into consideration, I am starting with some very small goals. My other obstacle is I always put off when the goals should be completed. I am always starting a new diet on Monday. I am always going to start a new project when I get back to work rather than starting it at home. I will always mail that package when I get paid. Every goal is always set for tomorrow, a Monday, a Payday ... ANY OTHER DAY besides the one I am living... Well, not tonight.

My goals tonight...the challenge that I accept:
- Finish 2 scarf and hat sets
- Bind 1 book
- Don't eat anything other than the bag of chips I have already opened!
- Plan Boeuf Bourguignon!!!! I've totally been dying to cook it since the 15th time I saw Julie & Julia... I am making that magic happen tomorrow night for din-din!

D is for Dreams... Dreams Realized? Dreams Crushed? Dreams Revised!

Some time ago, I realized something interesting. I am not a religious person. I believe in God because this world is too overwhelming, dangerous, and depressing to even think that we are all in it on our own. But the idea of religion and worshiping things/ideas, segregation based on belief systems, and discrimination under the premise of "loving someone/thing" is too far from anything I value. I did realize that the best thing God ever gave us, as humans, is the ability to Dream. I am not talking about flashbacks and nightmares. Although those happen during sleep as well, it's not the same as a Dream. A Dream is full of hope, promise, imagination. Dreams lead you to visualize your potential future, whether real or completely far-fetched. Dreams are personal, individualized... it's like when you Dream you create an entire world, a whole universe, that is all about and all for you. Stop and really think about this. Isn't that the most wonderful gift in the world?!

Well, I am sure you are thinking... what's with all the talk about Dreams? Well, I decided about 15 minutes ago that my Dream was crushed. A big part of my heart and imagination went right out the door with my Dream as I realized that, while we have the amazing gift to fabricate these intense and emotionally gratifying personal wonderlands, identities, and futures... we do not possess the ability to create avenues to achieve these imaginary goals.

Almost a year ago, I set a personal goal. I have been dreaming, rather steadily for about 4 years that I start my own small business selling things that I crafted. I also dream that I write a best-selling novel and travel the world, wearing self-designed, expensive couture clothing. But the second part of the fantasy is not nearly as close to heart as the Dream of being known and loved as an artist/creator. My goal was to work on learning the skills I needed in order to make the things I wanted to sell. Afterwards, my new year's resolution (one of literally 100 resolutions for 2010, I might add) was to purchase the website and start actively working towards getting that Dream to be a Reality. I bought my website last November, but due to working two jobs, going to grad school, and having whatever left over time for my family and sleep, I didn't get started on making things until a few months ago. Six weeks ago, I sat thinking to myself that almost a year has lapsed, where I have been sitting with an empty website that I paid for last November in full, Dreaming and talking about and planning for this online business to kick off. Isn't that a shame? So much time, money and effort on projects started only to be lost, forgotten or damaged as I lackadaisically wandered towards my goal. So, I decided that by Halloween, I would have 60% or more of my inventory stocked on my online store so that I could begin advertisements for Christmas sales.

Here we are... 2 weeks before Halloween. I have less than 10%. Ha! I actually think I have about 2% of the 60% that I planned to be finished right now.

Then, 3 weeks ago, I get this email that says applications for the Chicago Renegade Craft Fair are coming up due this Friday. I thought to myself that I could totally crank out enough items to at least be considered a candidate to participate in the show. I made a plan (which we all know is not my strength) and I got to work. Between picking up extra shifts, migraines, and unexpected fall throughs with childcare, I have been rather ride tracked, but I managed to force myself to keep moving forward.

It wasn't until today, after an argument with my husband that I noticed the truth. It sort of hit me in the face. I absolutely hate being hit in the face, whether physically or otherwise, which is probably why I was so bitter and upset when the truth set in. The truth is I have been trying to make my Dream come true when it's not more than a Dream. Fantasy. False. Fake. Imagined.

My Reality is that I have a husband and daughter who have grown to be very needy because for the past 4 years, I have bitterly played the role of the robot mom/wife predominantly doing things for the family with little or no regard to myself or the things that make me happy. I think, in an alternate Dream, I imagined that's what good wives do. They have kids, take care of everyone, and in return, they are held on a pedestal so that when the wife wants something that's important to her, everyone stops what they are doing/needing/wanting and they help support the wife to that one goal. What in the Hell was I thinking?! That's not true at all! In fact, that's not even in alignment with Human Nature! The Reality is that the more you give to those who are used to taking, the more those individuals take and the more they want/expect.

So I have a new plan... a revised Dream that I hope is more in tune with Reality. The Reality is I have always had to give up every single important goal for my family. I wanted to join the Peace Corps, but my husband said he had no plans of coming with me, which means I would have wasted time and efforts in the relationship to begin with and I chose to stay. I wanted to get my PhD, but to get into any great programs, my GPA would have needed to exceed whatever I squeaked by with after spending more time and effort on being married/pregnant than studying. I planned to breeze by graduate school for social services, which isn't even a difficult program. Unfortunately, when you have to put home life and all it's issues which last indefinitely before anything else, it becomes a little hard to gather the energy to continue giving excuse after excuse as to why you had no time for homework assignments or assignments that require time outside of class.... and it becomes even more difficult to bite back the sheer embarrassment from shedding tears in every meeting that involves important people who point at you and drone on about your failures. I wanted to sell Mary Kay, and I did, until it became evident that I was not going to be able to invest the time I hoped in order to really make something of myself in that line of work. I really liked being a Mary Kay rep too... And now, here we are again. I wanted to be in an art show. Any art show. Anywhere. It's not going to happen. I either have no time, money, space, or energy to get everything accomplished. So I am setting that, with all the deadlines and fees, to the side.

My New Dream is to just create things in order to be happy and to alleviate stress. Next month, I will have paid $80 for a year of a blank website! I am not sad about it. But I really have to bring that to my personal attention as a reminder that things need to change! I also have another revision to my Dream: Find out a way to make things work! What do I really want to do? Be Wife & Mother 24/7? If so, I better shut it up, cook, clean, and cater to my family with a smile on the inside as well as on the outside. Do I really want to be some sort of artistic/creative success? Well, then I have to grow a pair and tell my husband this isn't going to work. Either he better step up and put forth the same unrelenting efforts I do on a consistent basis or I have to be alone! Do I just want to stay the way I am? Well, I have an answer to that! NOOOOO!!!!!

I want to know what it is that means the most to me. I want to know what I want more than anything in the world. I want to know how to get those things and make my Dreams come true. Most importantly, I do NOT want to sit around in a daze for hours per day Dreaming of all that could, should, and would be if I had just made up my mind instead of making longer and longer lists of excuses! When and where did I lose myself along the way? I was never this indecisive about my life, and now I can't even think of what I want for lunch without taking a poll and journaling about it! I need to start a search for who I am Now (not for who I was because she is so very gone) and I need to find out what the New Bri wants for herself. I'll stop there because that is a serious feat in it of itself.

TODAY, rather than tomorrow..... 1-finish cleaning, 2- work on binding books, but not in a way that is disrespectful to my husband and not by ignoring family, 3- cook that delicious chicken meal I planned on.... and 4- write a letter to my mom, my Number One Fan. I need a pick me up!

E is for Exhausted... Excited, but Exhausted!

Finally, I am back to blog! I have what I think is my second night off from work this whole year tonight. It's just because my husband is unavailable tonight and I have to stay home to watch our tot. Otherwise, I will have had ONE day off for the whole year! Before I started in social services, I looked well-rested, sexy. I had bedroom eyes. Long, luxurious legs. Smooth feet. Gorgeous, thick hair..... Now, I am *haggard*! I am definitely going to start researching careers that result in your looking Better the more you work as opposed to the opposite. Maybe I should look into starting a career in athleticism, pornography, or culinary arts. I love the way Rachel Ray looks! Just so happy and cooking and eating and laughing. I could do that everyday for a living!

Anyway, this week has been nothing but work work work. I have had the most terrible migraines, which I am sure are all related to what I call "Vagina Overload". I work with all women in a program that serves girls. If the girls aren't trying to kill each other over random things like stolen tampons, crushes on basketball players, and who the biggest whore of the crew is...then I have my co-workers who have it out for each other. Let me just say that women are SO vindictive and evil! I don't know how men manage not to be this crazy and over emotional about things that don't matter, but I must have a little bit of that going through my veins-- Thank Goodness! I really just don't have the energy to care about what people think or say about me. I guess that's because I am, from what I have observed, the only indie/activist/artistic carefree spirit in the company. Although I walk a lonely path, it keeps me clear of the drama usually.

Sigh! Big, loud, irritable Sigh! It's MONDAY!!!! That means I have either four or five days left before the art show application is due. I am so nervous. I am trying to stay in the game, mentally, but I am terrified! I read over everything last night, while ignoring the kids asking me what color my bra was, whether I was mixed because my hair isn't nappy enough for me to be fully Black, and whether I "wanted" this male co-worker who is the same age (and has the exact aggravating same personality) as my Father! Thank goodness for internet phones! They are the perfect distraction in any situation.

I realized that the application is $300. Luckily, they give $275 of it back if you aren't accepted. Part of me is thinking, "Awesome! Then I'll have some extra money that I didn't plan on having" ... Then I slapped myself (mentally). I mean, what the hell am I thinking?! I don't want that money back! Ok, I do want to spend it on lingerie, shoes, and sexy sweater dresses... But what I want more than anything right now is a Booth In that Art Show!!!

So what do I have completed? Three baby blankets with sweaters and hats. I have an afghan for an adult. I have about 200-300 envelopes. I have 25 basic journals/sketchbooks prepared for stitching, but I ran out of paste so I am not 100% ready to bind the books yet. I am off tonight, but I will not be sleeping in. Oh no. I will be sitting in front of my TV watching action films like Spiderman trilogy, Matrix Trilogy, X Men trilogy, 300, Wanted, Shoot 'Em Up, and The Punisher. I will be hooked up to an I.V. with coffee going directly into my veins. I am also thinking of stealing some concerta/adderal from the local pharmacy to stave off the attention deficit disorder for the evening. OK. Cancel the last two. I can't be in the art show if I am behind bars for stealing narcotics. I also hate needles, so I will have to get the caffeine into my system by more traditional methods, like drinking it with lots of cream!

My point is that I have just two days to really put a hurt on some art. Wednesday, I am working extra hours again, and Thursday is my personal deadline. Wednesday, I plan to have my pictures up - GAH! So nervous! I am so not a photog!!! Yes, my imaginary readers, if you hear a scream...no, I am not wrestling a stegosaurus... no, I am not being attacked by multiple Chuckie Dolls... and no, I did not find out that I am pregnant with septuplets. It will be me expressing my frustration and exhaustion in regards to getting things posted on my website, flickr account, and wherever else I need to put them.

For now, I am struggling to not think of anything other than Family time. My daughter has this wild poof on her head that resembles a full afro, but it is actually in a pony tail. Hair must be tamed! My gorgeous, hard working, ever so patient husband has cleaned and is now cooking dinner, which takes me off the hook from those tiring domestic responsibilities for the evening. For the moment, I am renting movies, eating and spending time with the Fam. With the occasional voice note on art ideas.

Until tomorrow .... where I will 1- Sleep. 2- cook yet another chicken recipe and I will make broccoli salad for the first time. I love broccoli salad! 3- complete the finishing touches on my books and move on to JEWELRY! 4- shop for beads and jewelry notions! I am super excited about jewelry. Like crochet, I am surprisingly rather good at it. However, I must go now. My husband is staring jealously at my laptop as though he has a magical mallet. I believe in positive energy, so send some my way for the next 2 days!